I am trying to surrender control. That is hard for me. I can be as patient with my kids as the day is long. But I am impatient when it comes to waiting. For anyone who has not known me long, let me paint a picture:
When pregnant with my first child, I read every pregnancy book I could get my hands on. I tracked my daughter’s progress week by week and studied everything the child rearing experts had to say. I carefully planned my natural birth plan and made sure everyone involved had a copy. Convinced she would be early, I diligently handed off projects at work and worked late to wrap up things with my team. When my due date came and went, I walked five miles a day, ate eggplant, pestered older women for any remedy to make my daughter arrive.
When I finally surrendered, took a vacation day from work, and planned to put my feet up and enjoy a day at home, my water broke the night before. And my daughter did arrive, four days late, seventeen hours of labor later, with drugs. And it was perfect because she was perfect.
How does this relate? Well, even with a definite nine month cycle of pregnancy, with people assuring me, “she can’t stay in there forever, you know!”, I was still trying to control her arrival. And now, with child #3, we don’t have a nine month window to hang onto. The window is huge and the wait undetermined.
There are other ways in which the wait during adoption is harder. When an infant is inside your body you are in control of every morsel that goes into your body, every nutrient that will build his brain and body. You can take care of yourself and your baby as you wait. Many nights I lay awake and wonder, “is my son hungry?”. This haunts me. It kills us that he waits in an understaffed orphanage that lacks enough resources… All while the paperwork is processed. I am not a whiner, but I like to be DOING something to move things in a positive direction. We are coming, son, we are coming.
So excited about your blog....this entry spoke to me in such a powerful way....Mostly that I am not alone with my feelings, anxieties and concerns that only a mother WAITING to adopt can appreciate. My husband and I have been married 10.5 yrs and have wanted children so desperately. We are in the final stages of adopting three Honduran children, our niece and two nephews. It has taken almost 3 yrs...and we are at least a year later than we ever imagined, hoping for "special treatment" as my husband is Honduran, the children are family and older (at this point ....8 and 10 yr old twins). We went to a wedding of dear Honduran friends last night and I was talking to several precious Honduran women adopt our adoption. I am grateful that my kids are fully fluent and literate in Spanish and that they will have vivid memories of Honduran life...I truly believe their experiences will positively prepare them for their future endeavors....I will pray for your son, Steph....as the last days come, you won't remember the agony of the wait!!!! Kristin
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